An Afterthought, June 2024

My dear people out there.

I spent the last two days feeling pretty horrible, exhausted, like someone knocked the wind out of me (not in a good way). I barely slept the past two nights (also not in a good way). We've all seen the news, if you read this text you've probably seen my stories as well, there's no need to elaborate. I've never felt as close to just giving up, just forgetting about everything, as now. I also thought I wouldn't have the words to express any kinds of (positive) feelings any time soon.

Yet, I arrived home today to find this in my postbox:

 

My friend Vonne, who I am convinced must be one of the kindest souls on this planet, sent me a postcard thank-you note after I recently helped her out with her BA thesis. Two people, two small things they chose to do for each other. I helped Vonne out, and she helped me out, when I was feeling down and stunned and angry with the world, and she didn't even know or expect that this postcard would mean so much to me as it did in the end. None of us expected anything from the other, and yet we both got something in the end.

And it helped me think about the last two days in another light. There's been so many talks. I had to talk to so many great people about shitty things, and that sucks because I'd rather talk to those great people about amazing things and interesting things and fascinating things instead, because that's what I love to do with my time - but there were people! Sunday evening, an hour-long phone call with Toni, in the best weather possible, and all we did was just ranting, but she was there for me and I was there for her and we comforted each other and I got to talk to her again, even if it was mostly about bad things. My sister, quoting Lord of the Rings in the middle of a text message chain about emigration plans to Norway, right-wing violence in our hometown and potential breakups of friendships. A number of empathic messages on Instagram or elsewhere, from friends who felt the same anger, the same feeling of falling without hitting ground, as I did. A sad and yet supportive conversation with my Leuven chat group, and the optimism that came with the realization that even though you don't see some people every day, they're still there for you, they're still in your life and they're still going to have your back. So many more people, who sometimes do and sometimes don't know that talking to them about good stuff and bad stuff helped me feel better. There's probably people out there who talked to me and felt better after it, too, I don't know. And then, finally, Vonne's postcard, which inspired this short string of words on a blog that technically doesn't even have a reason to exist anymore. A postcard about a little thing I was glad to do, a postcard that went all the way from the Netherlands to Jena and then, miraculously, made me smile and try to hug it because, unfortunately, I can't hug Vonne herself right now.

So many people, and I don't care if they're a bubble, I don't care if they're a minority, and I don't fucking care if the world looks opposite from what I want it to look right now, they're my people and I get to keep them and they get to keep me, and as long as we've got that, there's gonna be a smile on a face and a cookie in a jar and a postcard in a mailbox somewhere.

I miss you, Vonne. And Toni, Joe, Line, Benji, everyone in Leuven and outside of Leuven who keeps showing me that there's a reason why I believe in the things that I believe in. Why I stand up for them, even now, when things seem pointless. I miss you, I can't wait to see you again.

I wish the world was a different place, but at least I get to experience it with all of you people reading this.

Love to everyone. Don't hold back. There's not enough of it in the world anyways.

Hanna

(For additional hopefulness, here's the LotR quote my sister threw at me, in the safe bet that it would make me feel better, which it obviously did, because LotR quotes somehow always manage to keep you upright. And I don't care if it makes me seem melodramatic and sentimental. Deal with it.

"There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

And another one of my personal favourites:

“Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”)